Lock Ness

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Forgive: When a person decides to satisfy their lust using a child’s body, their actions are not forgivable.

Yet I forgave. Forgiveness for me meant unclenching the clawed, hairy fist of the beast from my heart, squeezing it so tight I could hardly breathe or function. Rage, hate and anxiety ruled my life.

It took years to release the grip of each finger, blood flowing smoother until each sticky claw was off; the beast slipping back into the murky black depths of the scum topped lake he had come from.

My precious heart free, gently pumping clean blood to all the extremities, pure, clear and at peace.

The beast might still be a beast, it doesn’t matter. But it’s not my beast taking away life.

When I feel my heart grasped by hate or anger and piling up resentments, I ask for help, god, please help me to forgive. It’s time to forgive and let it go. And I need help with this time and again. Living in the moment helps. Asking for help from that special source within and from the universe, (god) helps. It works. Maybe because I am true at heart. When I ask, I mean it. If I don’t mean it, then I ask for the will to want to forgive.

It’s not that crimes, hurts and slights are alright, it’s that holding on to them is not.

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16 thoughts on “Lock Ness

  1. How wonderful that you found freedom through forgiveness. You are right that it is only ourselves that we hurt when we hold on to anger and bitterness. It eats away at us, and destroys us. I know you shared before that you don’t share the same ideas about faith that I do, but I am struck by the strength of your faith in this post. Especially where you say, “When I ask [for help forgiving], I mean it. If I don’t mean it, then I ask for the will to want to forgive.” That is powerful beyond words. Many people who claim to be followers of Jesus could learn so much from your example.
    Many blessings,
    Kamea

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  2. Forgiveness is an interesting topic and I love what it has done for you. I choose not to forgive at this time in my life but I do not see it stopping me from experiencing bliss and great love. I feel so connected to my soul, my passion and the impulse of the universe. However, I am in this book club and we are going to start this book, The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. It will be interesting to see where it takes me on my journey.

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    1. I believe this is a crime that does not have to be forgiven to go forward and find peace just as you stated.
      I didn’t really work towards forgiving my ‘brothers.’ It naturally occurred after my mother died and I felt released from my loyalty to her to write my story and tell my truth. That freed me and gave me peace. Feelings of hate and retribution dissolved.
      I worked hard though at trying to forgive my mother while she was living. And it took till the very end of her life, the last day before she died until I did.

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    1. Well, I spent most of my life raging and hating. I did not try to forgive the unforgivable. It happened quite naturally after I wrote the book and told the truth of my life. Feelings of peace couldn’t find space till the poison oozed out and that didn’t occur until the last few years after the book was published. It’s as if that was the surgery I needed to excise the contaminants and clean the wound thoroughly. The lengthy invasive surgery took time to heal from.
      Forgiveness might mean different things to different people. For me, I stopped wanting to hack up the eldest sibling in to little pieces. I don’t wish him sorrow nor the deep edge of loneliness that comes from a losing a life partner like he recently has. But he isn’t anything to me other than related biologically. I neither love or hate him. Nor spend much time thinking about him.

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      1. In my case, it was my father, who passed away in 2004, almost ten years ago, and it had been longer than that since I’d seen him, as I ran away and joined the Navy to get away, and ended up in Wisconsin eventually. I have a good therapist, and right now she is using art therapy, to help me express deep-seated feelings of fear of abandonment, fear of bedtime, fear of men, etc. I no longer put myself into situations where I am abused though.

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    1. One thing I craved for as long as I can remember was reacting with a flair of anger in the moment. I watched others perform this miracle, a natural course of emotions when being ill-treated, yet for one who spent a life stuffing emotions, it was an impossibility.
      I tried. I’d write down my real feelings so they were at the ready. I could express those words over the phone where I felt safe and had words written ready for me. And at least that was something.
      it wasn’t until the last few years that anger erupts from my belly out of my mouth without thought or censor.

      Having to hide so much as a child taught me I had no mouth, no rights, no nothing. It’s been a hard fight ever since. But something opened up from belly on up, the path is clear. It may take my revulsion at the maltreatment of others to activate that flare but I hope never to lose that.

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  3. I pray that one day the forgiveness can come naturally to me also. I feel that there is a possibility whereas a year ago I couldn’t see that happening. I pity my father and I still have disgust for him mixed in with so many other emotions As he ages I am sure it will come.

    Am so happy that you were able to release all that rage and a strong sense of peace after writing your book which you so kindly post on your blog.

    Sending you hugs my friend.

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    1. I stopped wanting to murder them. That’s my peace. The rage just fizzled out after so long. I do have to work at forgiving present slights, hurts and misunderstandings with people in my life now.
      I needed to forgive myself more than anyone else. I’m still working on treating myself with the love and gentleness I crave, finding it within instead of from others. That’s a comforting process.
      Thank you my friend! : )

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  4. Again, your words are poignant and hit the mark. I am so grateful to have found this site and found you. Your struggles and healing resonate inside me. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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    1. Oh Barbra, such words, so good to hear, though if my struggles resonate in you, your pain also goes deep and for that I am sorry. I am glad to have you visit. And I’m glad to also hear, that along with the pain I describe, you find healing words too as I journey along.

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