THE GRACE of ACCEPTANCE

homestead (2014_10_09 17_58_23 UTC)I’ve fought my past as if by doing so I could magically change it and instead I could morph into a family like the ‘Beaver Cleaver’ family, all sweet and nice and perfect. I cannot change it no matter how much fighting, drinking, running, eating, or raging I do, all things that filled my life as I tried to escape the pain of my past.

I was born to a family who would attack rather than love me. Once I ‘accepted’ that inescapable truth and my loathsome reality, the intensely burdensome heavy load I battled to escape from… became lighter… or settled finally into a place within me where it always had been.

My brothers used my body as if I didn’t matter. Their actions and choices caused me a life of struggles and too often I wished I had no life.

I still struggle. But I have ‘accepted’ that this is so. Saddened, but more at peace. I ‘accept’ the truth and the horrific reality of my childhood.

What I still work at and won’t accept until my dying breath is the grooved pattern in my head and heart that says “I’m no good.”

This I don’t accept. Yet the grooves run deep and I must remember each day that I have to pay attention to those mean voices and confront them over, and over again. That’s my work. I forget too easily. It’s a constant job. But everyone has work to do.

So be it. I accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can, and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.

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20 thoughts on “THE GRACE of ACCEPTANCE

  1. I understand how extremely difficult it is to break free of those negative thought patterns, but it is possible. There is always hope. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Blessings,
    Kamea

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  2. It sounds like maybe you are having a hard day. Sending hugs and acceptance of you– all of you. Xx❤️

    And also, this post taught me an important lesson: acceptance does not mean all the yucky thoughts and feelings go away, you still have to choose acceptance everyday. Interesting, I somehow thought acceptsance and healed meant all rhe yucky uglies were gone. Hmmmm.

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    1. Some ways That I have been affected are life changes and not ones I would choose for me or anyone. Though I talk about the abuse freely, finally, it all takes a back seat now. It is ugly to live through, but I’m not. Living through such things and retaining even a small part of the girl I was, keeping an inkling of the ability to still love, dream, hope and yes, trust, keeps me going and makes me able to look back and say, “Ah, I went through all that, and got here?” Wow. I did good, more importantly there is such beauty in coming up out of it clean in spirit and character; the mess created more beauty, not less. I have all these qualities ‘they’ tried to take down, strip me of, but I fought. And I would say won, but it’s not a game, it is my life and I have guarded, nurtured and kept it.
      Thank you Alice, for more than you know. I am having a hard couple of months! I always go downward in mood during winter, but I’ve had winters along with bad depressions and this is just a slowing down, not a depression. So I am ok. : )

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  3. I admire your strength and ability to come to peace with an imperfect past. I think there comes a point when you have to stop raging against it because so many people have endured much less than perfect childhoods. I pray that I can come to the same peace as you.
    You are right not to accept those inner voices that were a result of the abuse because they are not real and do not define who you are. In fact they are the opposite of who you are. You are filled with beauty, love, compassion and courage and you are indeed worthy and loved.

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    1. I wish I could say I stopped ‘raging’ out of compassion for others. I was able to be more compassionate and focused on the needs of others once that rage ebbed. I think rage just spun out. Writing the book released some of pressure cooker’s steam. Continued meditation helps greatly.

      Where once busyness, shopping, doing, eating, drinking, whatever, took the place of ‘being’, staying motionless for a half hour a day during periods where I’d rather run, allowed the busy parts of me that had no home… to come home; the parts were like busy electrons racing around a nucleus, and slowly, piece by piece, like iron dust parts to a magnet, with each day, each half hour, these wayward parts came in deep and connected. I found large roomy recesses within opening, gathering all the parts of me into one, at home. And each morning after the half hour I rise with a connected whole feeling that I cherish. I lose it a little till the next day. If I miss a day I notice the difference and anxiety creeps in.

      Who wants the parts I have? The memories. No one. Me neither. I ran. I ran from me, away from me. It is in accepting the truth, the reality of my past, all of it, that I welcome all of me. I am in wonderment at what I survived. And I found peace and beauty. It’s been here all along and if I’d stopped running sooner, I would have found it sooner. I wish I had begun meditation the same day I left home for college. But I found it eventually. From a therapist I have yet to talk about coming up in future chapters. He did a few things right. That was one of them, turning me on to meditation.
      Thank you for continued support and kind words. You are a special person, someone destined to do great things, someone who already has done them, is doing them…

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      1. I am glad that you have found meditation so helpful and I admire that you are so consistent with the practice.

        Yes, it’s the running that has to stop. I pray that I can the peace you have one day.

        Having your wisdom and encouragement in my life has helped me so much in my journey. I thank God that I found you!

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  4. There are so many inspiring words in your post. My favorite ” peace and beauty. It’s been here all along and if I’d stopped running sooner, I would have found it sooner.”

    Your name fits so well. You have that “grace” and you are indeed a “survivor”. Be proud, and meditate on that.

    Thank you for such a beautiful post. Van

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  5. Your honesty is beautiful. Acceptance for me is a daily thing right now. Just when I think I have accepted the challenges I face I then will get angry and fight them instead of observer and be compassionate to myself. It is challenging the old tapes that run deep with abuse. I am no good, I am not enough. I think they may be tapes that I will need to manage for my lifetime as well. Here’s to the strength we have to do the hard work on a daily basis.

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    1. Thank you. I wanted to also thank you for your honesty. I hear of your challenges, compounded with daily pain, and am saddened. But also inspired. You help me to not dwell on my own physical limitations. Though my head and heart may be that of a 40 year old, my body is not.
      Yes, here’s to strength of spirit, to which you help me with a lot.

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  6. Reading this post has touched me. I hope someday I get to this point. I struggle with the realities of what my family is vs. what I wish it was. I hope to have the wisdom and courage to accept, like you have, my family for what it is.

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    1. I hope that for you. It’s an internal thing for me, a release inside me of resentment, revenge/justice, ill wishes, and the list goes on. But I don’t spend time with the abusers, and rare visits with the others. So it’s more about my day to day life and feeling more at peace because I don’t wish to cut up and destroy my eldest brother. In my chest where feeling reside, I truly wish him no harm, and since he recently lost his wife, that he be ok. But I never see him, or talk to him. Same with another brother living in Texas. No contact, never, and that’s the way I like it.
      The only justice I needed was to finally tell my story. And I wrote the book only after my mother died five years ago. That’s no coincidence. To earn her love, I could not tell out of respect for her. It was too much to ask of course. And asking isn’t the right word. It has always been the expectation even as a child not to ‘tell.’ She made sure I didn’t by shaming me. And later, other tactics. Yet I loved and needed her to the very end. Such a mix!

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  7. Thank you Patricia for your eloquent and honest words. I’m new to this form of social interaction and feel grateful to have found so many women telling their stories and discussing present day challenges and blessings. I find relating to others so difficult that, as a result, I live a very solitary life. Yet here is a safe opportunity to engage with others with such similar histories. What a magnificent gift! Thank you all.

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    1. I am grateful to have found the blogging world as well, and more so, women who I relate to deeper than those I’ve known in person for many years.
      I am glad to ‘meet’ you. And thank for such a kind compliment.

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