I am going to struggle with trust permanently. That is just one of the things broken. I suffer so because of it. Even unable to trust my sons. They cleave to their wives. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Relationships are so sticky, complicated. My husband says I think too much. He is right. I also know that I have always felt that I had to ‘think’ about why people are doing things in order to save my life. Because those around me were only up to destroying me. Or so I believe. It didn’t magically slide away as I aged. I believe things that aren’t true. I cannot really trust my gut instincts. I cannot trust myself. Or maybe my instincts are right on but it doesn’t matter because everyone tries their best and still hurt others along the way, including me.
See how I think? One way then the other. And in the winter these thoughts drive me to places I’d rather not be. What I want is sit on the patio in May and soak up some sun.
What it must be like to let go of these negative beliefs in people and throw them to the winds. Believe that others are struggling too. That they may hurt me in their own struggles, but it’s ok. I hurt them too. It’s just part of close, loving relationships.
We all gather tomorrow. And when I know I ought to be grateful, I struggle with interpersonal relationships, growth, my memories of old tired interactions with my own mother and how I want to do better, be different, heal within and with my husband and children. I want it to be happy for everyone.
My intensity of wanting all that makes it stressful for others. I didn’t realize that. I want to just relax and enjoy being together. Why is this so hard?
Let go Patricia. Let go. Let it all go, like the pine tree dropping its heavy burden of snow off its branches. Let it go, Life is For Giving.