IF ONLY

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Telling and not being believed or told to be quiet about it and not being protected…if only.

If only I was taken into my mothers arms, held warm and close, and loved, and heard her cry, and heard her chest shake with anger towards her sons, and heard her promise it will never happen again, and me knowing by her reaction that she would keep them away and that she really did love me… if only.

Kids are resilient. If only she had done those things, I would not have been broken. I would have been ok. I don’t think it’s the original acts that broke me, it was after, keeping it all in.

Now I learn to wrap my arms around me and love me.

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9 thoughts on “IF ONLY

  1. Nice poem. I think what really broke me was keeping the silence and not having anyone to protect me as well. I am not broken today because I have learned how to let others truly love me and I have learned to give hugs to myself as well. Thanks! I do think often about if it only it where different where would I be. However, gratefully I have learned to love where I am today.

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  2. I’m so sorry for that little girl. How much pain, how much hurt, to not be believed or not be allowed to speak your truth….to not feel protected by mom, the one who,is supposed to always protect you? I just want to wrap that child in my arms and rock her, and say “it’s okay. I believe you. You are safe.”

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  3. You summed it up perfectly. It was not the initial act itself, that did the most damage. It was the total lack of support/empathy/anger toward the abuser by the ones that should have protected me that left that caused the deepest wounds.

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  4. Hi Patricia. I am sorry for your pain and regret! You are so right about the resilience of children. If we were just protected by the ones who were given that role after the abuse, we wouldn’t have had to live with all the secrets, shame, anxiety and fear for a lifetime. It’s amazing that you posted this today because just yesterday in my weekly therapy session, I told my counselor that if my mother had left my father, taken me to a doctor and therapist to help me straight after the abuse at five, I would have been ok today. Instead she pretended that it didn’t happen and I kept the secret for them and have lived a lie ever since.

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