Death

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I feel torn. The eldest son of my mother lost his wife to cancer. The service is today with a gathering at his house after. I am not going. Why? I have no relationship with either of them and am not close with the others. But I do feel sad for him. I don’t wish losing a partner on anyone though there was a time I wanted to cut him up into little pieces.

I feel sad for him, and for the mess of a so called family I was born unto. I can’t be a part of it yet still grieve the loss of a family.

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14 thoughts on “Death

  1. I’m so sorry for the sadness, and the fact you even have to feel torn about this, Grace. The fact that you even feel this sadness for him, is a testament to the wonderful soul that you are. I’m so thankful to have met you through my blogging journey. I’m wishing peace for you today.

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      1. I feel the same, although I haven’t gotten to the point of letting real life people “in” like this….but I was surprised at the connection with others that blogging has given me, and I’m grateful for it.

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  2. These are the times we face the confusion of what to do. We can only do what we CAN do, and your gracious thoughts toward the loss of someone who harmed you is a very generous. A sign of healing and moving forward. ♥

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    1. Well no, not easy. I don’t want to ‘look’ bad, unsupportive?

      I had to challenge the idea of having to support a person who took every opportunity to make me look bad, inconsequential, and even managed to play victim.

      I had to challenge the idea that by not going I was being vengeful.

      I had to do something rare and magical, think about what felt right for me; staying away from those that still scare me; a family system still built solid to protect them, outcast me.

      I have a happy, secure life, a solid center. I need to protect that. I don’t need to keep looking elsewhere for what I already have and won’t find there.

      It’s like jumping into a bottomless, black pit if I do— feed his ego, destroy mine.

      I need your warm and caring thoughts. I think they carried me through the day. Thank you so much….

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      1. Wow! I aspire one day to be as self-compassionate as you are. You are so right when you say that you have to protect yourself and the space you have created for yourself amidst all the pain and suffering. It is indeed magical to do what is right for you, something we as survivors of childhood trauma were not allowed to do for ourselves. Doing it now means getting your power back. I admire your courage and strength!

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  3. Knowing it’s the right thing and being able to follow through are sometimes very different things. Good for you to acknowledge YOU are worth standing up for…thinking of you at this challenging time.

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